Swirlin Around

 

He sits down with himself to figure out why he does things the way that he does.  He is nice when there is a no reason to.  He is nice even though he shouldn’t be.  He smiles and does favors for those that might and sometimes already have spit in his face.  His actions don’t have any logical base.  He himself being a very logical person understands this but doesn’t act as such.  Why?  He wonders.  Is he trying to make up for some past mistake?  Because he has plenty of bad he has done in the past but nothing that would cause him to continually punish himself by behaving like a saint.  His nice actions aren’t fake or a means to an end but more of a compelling want/need to act in a positive manner.  He has suffered for it and has missed out on opportunities on things that would have improved his life.  Because he follows this moral code of selflessness he has lost all that he had many times.  It never bothers him.  He has some internal compass that tells him that he will get whatever it is he is supposed to get back and that it was time for the old to go.  He can handle bad happening to himself but not to others.  He is unfair in his giving.  He is more than willing to give of his time, money, or energy but will not accept the same in return.  He doesn’t understand why he does what he does and doesn’t attempt to most times.  As he sits now trying to make sense of it all, he is confused.  What would happen if he did act as everyone else did?  Would he be better off?  Would it make him happier?  He plays the scenarios on and on in his head and realizes that he doesn’t care about the rewards that he might gain by being a little more selfish.  And that he probably wouldn’t enjoy acting anyway other that how he already does.  He realizes that in most cases that he is losing out on things that he could be gaining for himself but he doesn’t seem to care.  He doesn’t know why but he also doesn’t care why.  He decides that he is just following his heart and if it leads him to ruin, heartbreak, and being take advantage of then so be it.  He would regret doing anything else.