I sit here at work wondering how I ever got myself into accounting.  Heaven knows I don’t do well enough with my bills, what makes these people think I can do a good job with theirs?  But I must be doing something right, I have no schooling for accounting, and yet I’ve been here for a year and a half now.  I should be doing the work in front of me, but I don’t have the energy for it today.  I didn’t sleep well last night even though the nightmares are finally gone.  I think my body has gotten used to the insomnia over the past week, which is alright because I know it means that not even my own demons couldn’t keep me from sleeping tonight.  But I am tired enough that I probably shouldn’t have even bothered to show up to work today.  The pages in front of me have nothing but black blurry numbers all over them and I can’t even concentrate long enough to figure out what I’m even looking at, let alone do simple math problems.  And beside the zombie that has overcome the person usually sitting at this desk due to insomnia, I really just don’t have the ability to care about any of this today.  The highlight of my day will be when I finally walk past the security guard and out the doors to call Morgan and hopefully set up a time for dinner.  After that, the sweet relief of sleep.  I am excited to call Morgan, but I know how this usually goes.  I’ll call her and she’ll be with her boyfriend or friends, enjoying the last part of her last summer vacation in high school as she should, and not want to waste that time with her older sister.  Which I completely understand but it doesn’t stop my heart from wanting it to be different every time it happens.

            I got a message from Seth today, something about a stapler.  Nothing that holds any value in my life and nothing I bothered responding to.  This can only mean that my phone is going to blow up from all the text messages I will receive when I get off of work today.  At least he’ll wait until then to start sending the nasty messages.  I’ll eventually respond, not because I care, but because I did tell him I’d pretend to care for a couple of weeks.  I still don’t know what to do about the whole situation.  I know I need him out of my life, and want him out of my life, but I have no idea how to execute that plan.  He just doesn’t go away…

            If I wasn’t so tired I would do what the adult in me has been telling me to do for the past week or so and clean my apartment.  I know that it’s starting to get on my roommate Lola’s nerves although I know she’s going through roughly the same things, but I’ve gone back to the depression that always starts when Seth is back in my life.  It’s like he’s an unmovable weight that invisibly sits on my shoulders for no reason other than to weigh me down and make me miserable.  The exhilaration I get from removing that weight is like being reborn into a world that you’ve never seen before.  Everything is brighter and more enjoyable when he’s not in my life.   But it’s always nothing more than a temporary weight off of my shoulders because he can never stay away for longer for than a few months.  I don’t know how to find my saving grace from under that weight.  I even feel heavy…

            There’s this new woman in our accounting department who is, in a jealous way on my part, very irritating.  She’s always happy and dressed perfectly, the perfect employee.  But she’s also one of those people that comes walking into a new job and tries immediately to change everything before she even knows her own responsibilities.  She’s one of those people that you find yourself somewhat jealous of for reasons that you will never be able to define because you never want to be as irritating as you find her.  Yet, you’re somewhat jealous nonetheless.  One of those people that you can tell wakes up with a smile on her face and happy-go-lucky from the minute that the alarm goes off in the morning.  I never understood people like that, which could be where some of the jealousy comes from.  I don’t wake up in a bad mood by any means, even with the things I’ve been through I still wake up with the hope of a great day, but I need my ten minutes or so before I should be talked to.  I have to be fully awake to appreciate what anyone else says to me, otherwise it’s just responded to with a grunt and an unappreciated look, which I never actually mean.  I know I’m not the only one who wakes up this way; I’ve been on the receiving end from past relationships as well.

            Well, it’s that time to call Morgan, walk past that security guard, through the doors, and into the nice warm sunshine that will force my eyes to take a second to adjust to.  I really hope that she wants to go to dinner…