Like the subject said, tonight was a traffic jam of feelings and I’m in one of the cars buried under it all. I was taught tonight that contrary to my beliefs we as humans do need the feel, the touch, the feeling of somebody near. We are social creatures I guess and I’m no exception. But as always, what I want, I won’t allow myself to have. Is it wrong to not let yourself make a mistake only because you know it will be a mistake?  I mean do I have to play by the rule “in life you will make mistakes”? Can I purposely make a mistake just for the temporary benefits it might have? Or am I doomed to prethink things and burden myself with the consequences of my actions. My heart and mind are dueling again and this time they brought the sharp knives. I want to throw caution to the wind and just wing it, Jack Bauer style! I want to get out and date but I don’t know how, I’ve been in relationships since the beginning of time. She’s right, its comfort and familiarity that I instinctively seek out. But those are things that will fuck you up in the dating world. I also have my baby boy to worry about. I know that I have to live my life for me but he’s co-signing to everything I do because if I fuck up, he is fucked up too. I wish I knew what to think, what to do. What is the endgame here? I feel like some kid going through adolescence and I’m really lost here. My feelings are all scrambled in this omlette of life. As corny as it sounds I just need somebody to be there. Somebody to hold, to listen. I don’t know where it would lead or if anything would start, but I need something. I really need to work on a time machine, I’m getting tired of waiting.