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I’m still pretty much the same. Just upgraded a little here and there but still essentially the same. Like the same car but with different wheels and computer system. I’ve been a little inspirationally starving even though I’ve had lots of that kind of food shoved my way. Its like I have the lamp that gives me ideas and I’ve paid the light bill, I just can’t find the plug. Everything in life is getting easier except what I really want to do. I argue with myself about complaining too much even though I know the first step is to admit that I have a problem. I’ll read this in 30 years and laugh I’m sure. I feel pretty much alone, like even Aden isn’t around. Its like I reach out to people and I touch them but can’t feel. I preplay my tomorrow in my head and know that my day will be good but not great. I feel like I’m treating time like money and seeing how much of it I can waste all the while in the back of my head knowing that I shouldn’t. They, as in everybody that cares for me saying that I don’t take enough time for myself. I wouldn’t even know what to do with that time if I had it. How would I spend that time so that when I look back on it and feel like I didn’t waste it? I performed in church today for Hiphop Sunday and recited “Born To Be” with passion and strength. That wasn’t me up there. I’m never me, I’m what I need to be in certain situations. I told somebody a deep-rooted truth about myself Friday night. I told her over tea that I am the water. I change with my surroundings and situations. Bruce Lee said it best, “You pour water in the glass, it becomes the glass” You put me around my child, I become the father, around my niece and nephew, I become the uncle, around drunk people at a party, I become a little tipsy, Put me in a business meeting, I become the business owner. So what was I before all of those situations? If I was a chameleon? What was my original color. Does it even matter? I become who I want to become the problem is that I don’t know exactly what I want to be. I have a general idea but its mainly based on what I don’t want to be. I am a few things that I didn’t choose to be a few roles that I didn’t choose to play. Each with their own ups and downs. I’m complete but not content. Not internally, I have all I could ever want. I am by no means done achieving even more but thats just material and ego things. What I want is the developers of Halo were after. That 30 seconds of crazy fun repeated over and over. I can remember countless times when I was really just wowed by life and happy. And I replay them in my mind when I’m down. But right now I’m not down, I don’t have a word for it. I understand that I can control my mood, which is useful at times but sometimes I just need to feel what I’m supposed to feel. My checklist is far from done but I thought I would have a few more things checked off by now. School, Love, Security, and Peace of Mind will all come with time suppose. I remain optimistic about all except the 2nd one. Finding somebody that you can actually trust without a shadow of a doubt for me is almost impossible. All past experiences aside I know that we are only human and as such can fall prey to our temptations. I wouldn’t be able to blame her, I never blamed the ones before. Its like Aden promising that he will sit in his chair for 10 minutes when I put some candy on the table in front of him. I wouldn’t blame him. I couldn’t. But I still want that. I see it alot in my business, blissful couples happy as could be. “Its there for you too,” a voice in my head whispers. I smile and believe it at least for as long as my heart allows me to before my head takes over. I exist so I know that she has to too. I doubt anybody will read this, let alone get this far into my mush but if you do, please comment. Thank you and goodnight