{"id":979,"date":"2008-08-05T15:59:23","date_gmt":"2008-08-05T21:59:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/?p=979"},"modified":"2008-12-14T09:07:20","modified_gmt":"2008-12-14T15:07:20","slug":"dinner-with-morgan","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/2008\/08\/05\/dinner-with-morgan\/","title":{"rendered":"My Story: Dinner with Morgan?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I sit here at work wondering how I ever got myself into accounting.\u00a0 <\/span>Heaven knows I don\u2019t do well enough with my bills, what makes these people think I can do a good job with theirs?\u00a0 <\/span>But I must be doing something right, I have no schooling for accounting, and yet I\u2019ve been here for a year and a half now.\u00a0 <\/span>I should be doing the work in front of me, but I don\u2019t have the energy for it today.\u00a0 <\/span>I didn\u2019t sleep well last night even though the nightmares are finally gone.\u00a0 <\/span>I think my body has gotten used to the insomnia over the past week, which is alright because I know it means that not even my own demons couldn\u2019t keep me from sleeping tonight.\u00a0 <\/span>But I am tired enough that I probably shouldn\u2019t have even bothered to show up to work today.\u00a0 <\/span>The pages in front of me have nothing but black blurry numbers all over them and I can\u2019t even concentrate long enough to figure out what I\u2019m even looking at, let alone do simple math problems.\u00a0 <\/span>And beside the zombie that has overcome the person usually sitting at this desk due to insomnia, I really just don\u2019t have the ability to care about any of this today.\u00a0 <\/span>The highlight of my day will be when I finally walk past the security guard and out the doors to call Morgan and hopefully set up a time for dinner.\u00a0 <\/span>After that, the sweet relief of sleep.\u00a0 <\/span>I am excited to call Morgan, but I know how this usually goes.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ll call her and she\u2019ll be with her boyfriend or friends, enjoying the last part of her last summer vacation in high school as she should, and not want to waste that time with her older sister.\u00a0 <\/span>Which I completely understand but it doesn\u2019t stop my heart from wanting it to be different every time it happens. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>I got a message from Seth today, something about a stapler.\u00a0 <\/span>Nothing that holds any value in my life and nothing I bothered responding to.\u00a0 <\/span>This can only mean that my phone is going to blow up from all the text messages I will receive when I get off of work today.\u00a0 <\/span>At least he\u2019ll wait until then to start sending the nasty messages.\u00a0 <\/span>I\u2019ll eventually respond, not because I care, but because I did tell him I\u2019d pretend to care for a couple of weeks.\u00a0 <\/span>I still don\u2019t know what to do about the whole situation.\u00a0 <\/span>I know I need him out of my\u00a0life, and want him out of my life, but I have no idea how to execute that plan.\u00a0 <\/span>He just doesn\u2019t go away\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>If I wasn\u2019t so tired I would do what the adult in me has been telling me to do for the past week or so and clean my apartment.\u00a0 <\/span>I know that it\u2019s starting to get on my roommate Lola\u2019s nerves although I know she\u2019s going through roughly the same things, but I\u2019ve gone back to the depression that always starts when Seth is back in my life.\u00a0 <\/span>It\u2019s like he\u2019s an unmovable weight that invisibly sits on my shoulders for no reason other than to weigh me down and make me miserable.\u00a0 <\/span>The exhilaration I get from removing that weight is like being reborn into a world that you\u2019ve never seen before.\u00a0 <\/span>Everything is brighter and more enjoyable when he\u2019s not in my life.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>But it\u2019s always nothing more than a temporary weight off of my shoulders because he can never stay away for longer for than a few months.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t know how to find my saving grace from under that weight.\u00a0 <\/span>I even feel heavy\u2026 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>There\u2019s this new woman in our accounting department who is, in a jealous way on my part, very irritating.\u00a0 <\/span>She\u2019s always happy and dressed perfectly, the perfect employee.\u00a0 <\/span>But she\u2019s also one of those people that comes walking into a new job and tries immediately to change everything before she even knows her own responsibilities.\u00a0 <\/span>She\u2019s one of those people that you find yourself somewhat jealous of for reasons that you will never be able to define because you never want to be as irritating as you find her.\u00a0 <\/span>Yet, you\u2019re somewhat jealous nonetheless.\u00a0 <\/span>One of those people that you can tell wakes up with a smile on her face and happy-go-lucky from the minute that the alarm goes off in the morning.\u00a0 <\/span>I never understood people like that, which could be where some of the jealousy comes from.\u00a0 <\/span>I don\u2019t wake up in a bad mood by any means, even with the things I\u2019ve been through I still wake up with the hope of a great day, but I need my ten minutes or so before I should be talked to.\u00a0 <\/span>I have to be fully awake to appreciate what anyone else says to me, otherwise it\u2019s just responded to with a grunt and an unappreciated look, which I never actually mean.\u00a0 <\/span>I know I\u2019m not the only one who wakes up this way; I\u2019ve been on the receiving end from past relationships as well.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Well, it\u2019s that time to call Morgan,\u00a0walk past that security guard, through the doors, and into the nice warm sunshine that will force my eyes to take a second to adjust to.\u00a0 <\/span>I really hope that she wants to go to dinner\u2026 \u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I sit here at work wondering how I ever got myself into accounting.\u00a0 Heaven knows I don\u2019t do well enough with my bills, what makes these people think I can do a good job with theirs?\u00a0 But I must be doing something right, I have no schooling for accounting, and yet I\u2019ve been here for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[338,340],"tags":[43,45,24,235],"class_list":["post-979","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-book-of-benji","category-stories","tag-depression","tag-energy","tag-insomnia","tag-nerv"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/979","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=979"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/979\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=979"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=979"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=979"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}