Like the subject said, tonight was a traffic jam of feelings and I’m in one of the cars buried under it all. I was taught tonight that contrary to my beliefs we as humans do need the feel, the touch, the feeling of somebody near. We are social creatures I guess and I’m no exception. But as always, what I want, I won’t allow myself to have. Is it wrong to not let yourself make a mistake only because you know it will be a mistake?\u00a0 I mean do I have to play by the rule “in life you will make mistakes”? Can I purposely make a mistake just for the temporary benefits it might have? Or am I doomed to prethink things and burden myself with the consequences of my actions. My heart and mind are dueling again and this time they brought the sharp knives. I want to throw caution to the wind and just wing it, Jack Bauer style! I want to get out and date but I don’t know how, I’ve been in relationships since the beginning of time. She’s right, its comfort and familiarity that I instinctively seek out. But those are things that will fuck you up in the dating world. I also have my baby boy to worry about. I know that I have to live my life for me but he’s co-signing to everything I do because if I fuck up, he is fucked up too. I wish I knew what to think, what to do. What is the endgame here? I feel like some kid going through adolescence and I’m really lost here. My feelings are all scrambled in this omlette of life. As corny as it sounds I just need somebody to be there. Somebody to hold, to listen. I don’t know where it would lead or if anything would start, but I need something. I really need to work on a time machine, I’m getting tired of waiting.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Like the subject said, tonight was a traffic jam of feelings and I’m in one of the cars buried under it all. I was taught tonight that contrary to my beliefs we as humans do need the feel, the touch, the feeling of somebody near. We are social creatures I guess and I’m no exception. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[338,335],"tags":[135,16,62],"class_list":["post-106","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-book-of-benji","category-random-thoughts","tag-ben","tag-jack","tag-jack-bauer"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=106"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/106\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=106"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=106"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ocbenji.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=106"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}